I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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