wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
