I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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