I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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