what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
