my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
