i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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