I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
