i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
