I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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