dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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