sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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