Four minutes until I can fart!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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