Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
