FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
