Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
