so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
