Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
