I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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