I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
