Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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