so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
