he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
