if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
