Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
