Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
