Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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