I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
