All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
