Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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