In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
