Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize