I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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