Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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