life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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