just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He passed out mid-signature
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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