I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
