one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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