the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
