I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
