Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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