I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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