the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
