I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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