It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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