watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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