I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
