Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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