I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
