I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She swung at the pinata with crutches
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
