pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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