Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
