I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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