made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Found the puke drawer
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
