saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
