your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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