The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you win again, gameday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
