i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
