at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
