How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
