Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
